Message from Megan…

Just want to apologise for the length of time I’ve been “off” line.

I’ve had a few hiccups and basically retreated within myself for a bit. I guess this is part of the “mental illness diagnosis” that tags along behind me.

There are times that I feel I’m doing ok and then in the blink of an eye, “I’m not”.

This may happen within minutes. Not days, or weeks. Minutes!

In these moments I hate myself and everything I ever stood for. I attack every, single, thing or thought I have, or have had. I replay over and over in my mind, all the things, and times, I’ve fucked up. I blame myself for being treated badly by those I thought cared for me.
It must’ve been something “I” did wrong. Something “I’ve” said wrong. It’s “my” fault.

Everything I’ve ever done or said, plays on REPEAT. Like a cheesy tape recording. Over and over and over. Stop, rewind, play.

I struggle putting myself out there in these moments as I feel I’ve failed and don’t want any more negative shit thrown my way. Hell, I do a pretty good job of beating myself up. I definitely don’t need help in that department.

People can be so very cruel. I fluctuate between, yep I can handle it, to nope, “I obviously cannot”.

I have in the past, numerous times, unfriended and “re” friended people on social media. I have copped scrutiny for this. It’s when I feel I’ve failed and have nothing helpful or inspiring to give. I feel nothing. A hypocrite, someone that preaches a positive mindset and lifestyle, but struggles to achieve it myself. This is a direct result of the fluctuation in my mood.

I’ve got bipolar. I suffer with anxiety but mainly deep depression.

It’s painful for me when I reach out, but the olive branch is continually rejected. I blame myself for the rejection. I’ve even tried to be like, fit in, absorbed and taken on some pretty rotten stuff (that I never, ever, should have) in an effort to be accepted.

The saddest part is that those who I thought were rowing with me, in my boat, were actually drilling holes in it while my back was turned. “They” were some of those closest to me. People I thought “had my back”. And it was amongst those closest to me, that the most hurtful behavior came from.

The reason I pull back, is because I’ve temporarily “given up”. Reached my limit. I’m overwhelmed and at those points putting myself in the “public forum” has caught up with me and become to much.

In an instant, the Megan that seems to have it together derails into the self-loathing, destructive cycle. The guilt and responsibility to “fix” situations for everyone, to the detriment of my own well-being, takes hold. In an effort to save another from the same fate, and not wanting another person to ever feel or suffer the way I do, I choose to take on myself.

“I can take it on. I’ve carried heavier loads; this one will be a cinch”, I tell myself, and repeat this compulsive mantra in my head.

The voice that whispers, as loudly as a scream, coerces me to hide away, retreat to a place where I feel less vulnerable. A place where only I, can attack myself.

In this place of false refuge, no one else can hurt me.

My inner voice tells me in the confines of my “lions’ den” what a shit mother I am. What a shit wife I am. What a shit housewife I am. What a shit sister I am. What a shit daughter I am. What a shit human I am. What a shitty selfish person I am. Because, after all, “I have it all”. “I’ve no reason to feel this way”…..

As I close, I just want to reiterate that I’m ok. Really, I am. I’ve come through the above muck and now feel strong enough to share it with you.

This is just a snippet into my mind. Thoughts and beliefs that sometimes taunt me daily. The struggle is very real.

I do have a network of doctors, specialists etc that will continue to spur me on and point me in the right direction.

That, and they, are my way forward. But in order to go forward, I need to put in the effort.

Me, only I can do it. No one can do this for me. It’s up to me. It is my responsibility.

My hope, is that by continuing to share, my innermost deepest, darkest thoughts, it will be of some benefit, to someone. ANYONE. By providing the ability, to tap into the deep hole of pain in another, and bring encouragement and comfort to someone else that may be struggling or in a similar situation.

On a brighter note, today the 7th August 2018, I’m thankful for:

• The cooler weather
• My warm scarf and jumper
• My “Dream Lashes” thanks Nikki!
• Seeing light at the end of my dark tunnels
• Some of the most precious moments in life are in my future
• A husband that never gave up
• My return to writing
• The house work I’ve managed to do
• The sound of my canary singing
• The positive comments people have given me

But most of all, I’m thankful that I’m strong enough, and brave enough, to share this victory with you.

I hope that those reading this post have a ripper of a day. Pat yourself on the back, you’ve got this.

WE’VE GOT THIS!

Megan